addiction · love · online dating · online relationships · recovery · triggers · Uncategorized

Romance and the Interwebz

Hello! It’s been a while. I need to get back to blogging again. Today I want to talk about online dating, more specifically meeting over online games whether it be PC, Xbox, or Playstation. Eight months ago I felt stuck in an unhealthy and emotionally abusive relationship with my ex, Kayla. I wasn’t perfect either, however, but I was on the receiving end of the abuse. We had been together for four years, lived together, and had pets together. In the gay world that’s basically marriage. Kayla and I were even engaged for 2 years leading up to our breakup. Fast forward to 2 months before our breakup, I was getting high and drunk every day just to deal with our toxic relationship. I was too afraid to leave her, she was good with manipulation and guilt-tripping. I bought a Playstation 4 and this new game called Elder Scrolls Online, an MMORPG, essentially an online version of dungeons and dragons. It’s super fun, you can do quests, dungeons, trials, player vs. player, and so much more. It’s almost like its own mini-world to escape my shitty reality. In the online world we have things called trolls, if you don’t know what that is it’s essentially someone you come across on the internet that does anything from play a harmless joke on you to annoying you or being rude to purposefully make you upset to get their kicks. I was in this one town called Davon’s Watch making some armor when this guy and this girl were harmlessly trolling other players. I started talking to them and thought they were funny and the guy told me he was new to the game and needed some armor. I made him some armor and unbeknownst to me he was a max level pretending to be a new player for kicks. I got into the party chat (where we use microphones to talk to each other) with him and the girl for a little while just laughing (I was drunk and high as hell, easy target for trolling). So about 2 days later I get home from the strip club (as a patron, don’t judge) and am drunk again. It was 6 AM and I noticed that he was online playing ESO (Elder Scrolls Online). Things are kind of blurry but I sent him a party chat invitation at some point and started chatting for the first time just the two of us. He was so funny (not just because I was drunk) and we had so much in common. We really clicked and when I say we had so much in common, it wasn’t just simple things like hobbies and interests, we literally have the same point of views on everything. We have the same mindset, maturity, and morals. I fell in love with him, obviously not immediately but over the course of 2 months of hanging out every day on the game and eventually through texting and phone calls. Now I know what you’re thinking, isn’t that inappropriate and borderline cheating? Yes it was, I’d even go as far as to say it was definitely cheating. What started out as a casual friendship between like-minded people evolved into so much more. So I’m going to rewind just a little bit back to the beginning of our friendship and what the turning point was, when we both finally realized our feelings for each other. My fiance at the time Kayla worked nights at a local bar as a server. While she was at work I’d play games with him. His name is Chuck, and when I would play games with him and talk I felt like I was in a different world far far away from the real world. We would laugh and talk, having just the best time, and then she would come home. She was always drunk and she would yell at me as soon as she got through the door. I always made a point to mute my microphone, or so I thought. She would end up making me feel so terrible that I would get off the game and go to bed. One night, a big turning point in Chuck’s and my relationship, I got online and in a party chat with him. I was very upset and I was drinking alone at home that night. Kayla had decided she wanted to go and hang out with a guy who in nice words took advantage of me. I was really distraught, I had put up with a lot of things but this really set me over the edge. I must have been noticeably upset in my voice because Chuck asked me if something was wrong. I was afraid to open up on instinct, but then quickly realized that I needed to talk to someone I trusted about what I had been going through. I told him what she was doing and with who. I told him I wasn’t happy in my relationship with Kayla and felt stuck. He told me he already knew how unhealthy it was and that I had forgotten to mute my microphone several times when she had come home from the bar yelling at me. Since that night I felt like I could tell him anything, and I did. Kayla took notice to how close we were getting, she said I seemed happier talking to him than I was hanging out with her. The thing was she was right, looking back it was very difficult to want to be around someone who is so mean all the time. The truth was I had fallen for someone else, I loved Chuck before I even knew what he looked like! One night I finally told him how I felt, I had never told someone that I loved them first. Lucky for me, he said it back. He had never said those words to anyone before. I knew from that point that I needed to gather the courage to end things with Kayla. It was extremely difficult to the point that she even got physical with me, but I did it. I lost most of my so-called friends here in Green Bay, and everyone thought I was crazy taking this risk with someone I had never met in person. I didn’t care because I knew in my heart that I have never been treated so well and felt so connected with anyone before. Fast forward 8 months later to today, he is sitting right next to me playing ESO and I am sitting here writing this blog post. This is his second visit from Canada (I’m American) and he is still everything that I already knew he was and more! He has changed my life in so many ways its unreal. He helped me become a stronger person, I no longer get walked all over and am not tolerant of emotionally abusive people. He helped me quit smoking marijuana, start taking my medicines every day consistently, and now I barely drink alcohol and when I do it’s a healthy amount and not for the wrong reasons. He has given me the love that I always craved and was searching for through all my past relationships, but could never truly find. I guess the point I’m trying to make here is not to discredit meeting people over the internet. It may be unconventional but I believe that in many ways it enables people to be more of themselves. Granted, there will always be people that lie about who they are, that happens all the time in everyday life. Chuck and I are both shy, if we had met in daily life first we may have just passed each other by. Luckily for us that didn’t happen, and I am happier now than I have been my entire life. Have a great night everyone.


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